I am a professional television watcher. Literally, I am paid (and paid well) to watch TV for eight hours a day, five days a week. My compensation package includes a generous (by modern standards) health package, 401K benefits, six weeks of paid vacation and lots of paid time off for illness. Not a bad job, huh? I bet you would like a job like that. All I can say is, “Beware of what you wish for. It may come true.�
Not that I am complaining, it sure beats digging ditches for a living. But part of the deal is that I have no choice about what I watch; I have to watch my employer’s local TV station in a major metropolitan area. Part of my workday includes watching daytime television: Soap Operas, Game Shows, Judge Shows, Local News. And Dr. Phil.
Before I get to Dr. Phil (and how this rant relates to automotive affairs) let me vent about the crap you guys watch. And do not tell me that you are not watching this crap, because we make a LOT of money from this programming so somebody is watching it.
Before I found myself propped in front to a wall of video monitors like Alex DeLarge in A Clockwork Orange, forced to watch local television programming, I used to make my living as a photojournalist at a TV station, shooting local news. I took pride in journalistic standards and my ability to fulfill the public’s right to know about issues of importance. But I left the glamour and excitement of news photography years ago for the regular hours of studio work to accommodate the responsibilities of a young family. Now, part of my workday is devoted to watching local television news, which is a constant parade of dead bodies, house fires, and car chases that passes for “informing the public� these days. Local TV news is as mindless as the rest of the broadcast schedule because YOU, the viewing public, do not demand anything more challenging than crying widows being asked to tell us, “How do you feel right now?�
Soap Operas are as timeless as human civilization. Every culture has fables, legends or myths that concern the foibles of the rich and powerful, the modern Soap Opera is just another version of these cautionary tales that are passed from generation to generation. But instead of warning of the metaphoric dangers of flying too close to the sun, or to not incur the wrath of the gods by being too proud, the Soap Opera uses the example of beautiful and fabulously wealthy perfume/couture clothing/publishing magnates to teach us that their yacht/country house/mistress/secret love child do always bring happiness.
The game shows are frustrating for me to watch; because I work “In the Business� I am automatically ineligible from ever being a contestant. I know that I could clean up on any of these shows because I have a secret weapon. An education that extends beyond the sixth grade. Apparently the producers of game shows troll the trailer parks of America to find the most telegenic slack jawed yokels. Come on people! We all know that that The Skipper’s real name was Jonas Grumby, Presidents Kennedy and Lincoln both had Vice Presidents named Johnson, and that the Panama Canal runs North/South (look it up).
A side note. Here at work we get game shows a few days in advance of their airing. We had a guy who would scan that day’s show and memorize all the answers. On his lunch break he would walk across the street to a bar and win bets answering every question on the show as it was broadcast without ever making a mistake. We elected that guy to be the President of our union.
I have to admit that I like the Judge Shows, even that obnoxious bitch Judge Judy. No, I do not like the parade of morons who need to adjudicate their petty disputes over whether it was a loan or a gift. But every case comes with a lesson in contract law, which means that I can skip the first year of Law School if I ever decide to abandon my convictions and become a lawyer.
But the reason for this rant and its relevance to the topic of the At Home Mechanic is something I was forced to watch on the Dr. Phil show the other day. Dr. Phil gets all the losers that Oprah does not want on her show and this episode just about killed me. A pair of sisters came on the show with a paralyzing problem: They were deathly afraid to learn how to drive. Conditioned from youth by an equally fearful mother to believe that they were incapable of safely controlling a car they are reduced to quivering mess when behind the wheel of a car. But they felt that they were missing something in life and so they wanted Dr. Phil to help them over come this fear. Being the self-righteous, smug bastard that he is, Dr. Phil held their hand while they drove around the Paramount Pictures movie lot and declared that they were “Cured!�
Not everyone is capable of safely driving a car; the roads are filled classic examples of people who should NEVER be allowed behind the wheel. Tentative, indecisive drivers are as dangerous as drunks and speeders because they are most likely to make the wrong decision at the right time. The fearful women on Dr. Phil’s show are the type of person who should never be driving, and just because they are inconvenienced by their lack of transportation, they feel a need to overcome their fears and inflict their inability on the rest of us who CAN drive. In fact we should be airing shows that takes incompetent drivers OFF the road. The world would be a better, if not safer place if the timid and irresolute drivers were swept from the highways.
Ahhh, I have released the rage that was building inside me and I feel much better now.
Have a happy and safe New Year.